Why the Deceased Often Return in Dreams
Dreams of people who have died can feel more vivid than ordinary dreams. This paper explores grief, attachment, memory consolidation, emotional continuity and why the sleeping mind may recreate connection with those who remain psychologically significant.
By Trang Phan
The Science of Dreams, Attachment Memories, and the Continuing Presence of Those We Love
Executive Summary
One of the most emotionally powerful human experiences is dreaming of a deceased loved one. It could be a parent who died many years ago, a spouse, a child, a sibling, an ex-lover, a close friend, or even someone who appeared only briefly in one's life but left a deep mark. What is special is that these dreams often feel very different from ordinary dreams. Experiencers often describe: "I felt like I really saw them again." "Everything was more vivid than usual." "I remember every detail." "When I woke up, I still felt like they had just been here."
In many cultures, these are seen as visits from the afterlife, spiritual connections, messages from the soul, or signs of an invisible presence. These explanations have great appeal, because they bring meaning and comfort in grief. However, modern neuroscience asks a different, no less profound question: What happens in the brain that allows a long-deceased person to appear so vividly in a dream?
The answer leads us to the deepest layers of memory, emotional attachment, personal identity, social predictive models, and the brain mechanisms that maintain loved ones within the internal world. It does not diminish the sacredness of the experience — on the contrary, it shows that love and attachment are so powerful that they are etched into our neural structure, and continue to exist even when the object of that love is no longer present in the physical world.
This White Paper analyzes the neural mechanisms of dreams about the deceased, from attachment theory, internal social models, emotional memory processing during REM sleep, continuing bonds theory, to the role of dreams in restructuring identity and regulating grief. It also discusses the differences between types of dreams (reunion, conversation, farewell, guidance, comfort), and the roles of metacognition and meta-intelligence in understanding and integrating these experiences.
Part 1: The Deceased Do Not Disappear from the Brain
1.1. The Continuing Life of Neural Models
When a person dies, they disappear from the physical world. You cannot see them, cannot touch them, cannot hear their voice, cannot receive messages from them. But they do not disappear from the nervous systems of the living. In your brain, the deceased loved one still exists — not as a soul or supernatural entity, but as a complex neural network, built from thousands of interactions, memories, and emotions.
The brain does not store a person as a static photograph. It stores them as a collection of features and relationships: voice (pitch, rhythm, timbre, characteristic words); face (shape, expressions, characteristic wrinkles); scent (perfume, body odor, house smell); gait, gestures, habits; memories of shared events; emotions attached to each memory (love, anger, sadness, regret, gratitude); conversations that took place (and those that never had the chance to); and thousands of other social interactions.
Each important person in one's life — especially those attached since childhood or in long-term romantic relationships — becomes a complex neural network, with millions of synaptic connections, distributed throughout the brain: from visual cortex (face, gait), auditory cortex (voice), olfactory cortex (smell), hippocampus (autobiographical memories), amygdala (emotions), and regions involved in theory of mind (predicting that person's thoughts and feelings).
Biologically, that person still exists — in the form of neural models in your brain. They are no longer present in the external world, but they are still present in the internal world.
Part 2: The Brain Constructs "Internal People" — Internal Social Models
2.1. What Are Internal Social Models?
Research in social neuroscience has shown that the brain does not merely remember other people as discrete photographs or video clips. It constructs an internal model of them — called an internal social model. This model includes not only external features, but also predictions about behavior, thoughts, emotions, and the person's responses in different situations.
For example, you know: how your mother would react when you share good news (her voice would rise, she would ask for details, she would smile in a specific way); what your partner would say when you describe a bad day (they would comfort you, hug you, say familiar phrases); what your best friend would think about a difficult decision (they would analyze, give advice, have characteristic responses). Even when they are not present, you can still "ask" your internal model of them: "What would Mom think about this?" "Would my partner like this gift?" "What would my best friend advise me to do?"
This means that part of them has been integrated into your cognitive structure. They are not just "other people" — they are part of how you think, feel, and make decisions. They have become part of your identity.
2.2. What Does This Integration Mean When They Die?
When an important person dies, the internal model of them does not disappear. It remains, with all its predictions, expectations, and learned responses. You can still "ask" them — but now, you know they cannot answer. This contradiction — between "the internal model is still active" and "the real person is no longer present" — is one of the deep sources of grief.
Dreams, as we will see, are where this internal model can be fully activated, uncensored by reality testing.
Part 3: Attachment Does Not End When Death Occurs
3.1. Attachment Theory
According to the attachment theory of British psychologist John Bowlby, humans are programmed to form deep emotional bonds with caregivers and loved ones. These bonds — called attachment bonds — have important survival functions: they help children maintain proximity to caregivers, thereby being protected, nurtured, and developing safely. In adults, attachment bonds continue to play important roles in romantic relationships, friendships, and family relationships.
The attachment system is activated when we feel frightened, tired, or threatened — and it drives us to seek closeness with loved ones. When the loved one is present and responsive, the system is soothed and deactivated. When they are absent — or when they die — the attachment system remains activated, but finds no object to soothe it.
3.2. The Attachment System Does Not Turn Off Immediately
When an attachment figure is lost, your body knows they are gone — at the cognitive level. You can say: "My mother has died." You can cry, you can grieve. But the attachment system does not turn off immediately. It was built over years, even decades, and it continues to operate by inertia. It still seeks the loved one. It still expects their presence. It still activates emotions and behaviors learned throughout the relationship.
This is why, after a major loss, many people experience: hearing familiar keys in the door (and thinking the person has just returned); glimpsing the loved one in a crowd; unconsciously preparing to call them; or turning around to tell a story to the deceased. These experiences are not "hallucinations" or "denial of reality." They are the manifestation of a neural system trying to update — a system that for years learned that the person always existed.
Part 4: The Brain Still Waits for Their Return — The Delay in Updating Predictions
4.1. Predictive Processing and Loss
According to predictive processing theory, the brain continuously generates predictions about the world, including predictions about the presence of loved ones. For years, your brain learned that: your mother will be in the kitchen in the morning, your partner will call in the evening, your best friend will text on the weekend. These predictions were reinforced through thousands of repetitions, and they became part of the "default model" of the world.
When that person dies, the brain faces a monumental task: updating all these predictions. It must learn that: your mother will no longer be in the kitchen in the morning; your partner will no longer call in the evening; your best friend will no longer text on the weekend. But these predictions were reinforced over many years, and updating them cannot happen overnight. This process can take months, even years.
4.2. Moments of "Forgetting" That They Are Gone
This delay in updating predictions explains why, after a major loss, many people have moments — usually very brief — when they "forget" that the loved one has died. They hear a familiar sound and think "Mom is home." They see someone who looks similar and think "He is here." They pick up the phone to call the deceased. These moments are not conscious denial; they are "prediction errors" — the brain is still running the old predictions, before it can register that reality has changed.
And dreams — where reality-testing mechanisms are impaired — are the ideal environment for these old predictions to be run fully, unhindered.
Part 5: Dreams Are the Ideal Environment for Reenactment
5.1. The Difference Between Wakefulness and Dreams
When you are awake, the prefrontal cortex — especially the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex (dlPFC) — is highly active. One of its important functions is reality testing: it continuously compares the brain's predictions with sensory signals, and inhibits predictions that do not match reality. If you start thinking "Mom is in the kitchen," but your eyes do not see Mom, your ears do not hear Mom, the prefrontal cortex will intervene: "Mom is not there. Mom has died. Update the prediction."
During REM sleep — the stage where most vivid dreams occur — the prefrontal cortex is much less active than during wakefulness. Reality-testing mechanisms are temporarily impaired. At the same time, brain regions involved in memory, emotion, and imagery (hippocampus, amygdala, visual cortex, auditory cortex) are highly active.
5.2. The Perfect Combination
This combination creates an ideal environment for the reenactment of the deceased. When awake, the prefrontal cortex constantly reminds you: "They are gone. Don't imagine they are here." In dreams, this voice is silent. The old predictions — that the person is still present — can be "run" without inhibition. Memories, emotions, images, and voices are activated freely, creating a vivid, authentic, and often highly emotional experience.
This is why dreams of the deceased often feel "different" from ordinary dreams — and why they often leave a deep impression lasting days after waking.
Part 6: REM Sleep and Emotional Reprocessing — The Adaptive Function of Dreams
6.1. Emotional Memory Processing in REM
One of the most important functions of REM sleep is emotional memory processing. During REM, the brain: activates old memories (especially those with strong emotional content); connects them to new experiences (integrating past and present); reduces the emotional intensity attached to painful memories (a process called emotional memory attenuation); and reorganizes the meaning of events (helping the brain "understand" what happened and place it in a broader context).
When a person experiences loss, the brain has a great deal of work to do. It must process the large volume of memories related to the deceased, reduce the intensity of pain without erasing memories, reorganize social predictive models, and integrate the loss into the life story.
6.2. Dreams of the Deceased as Part of the Healing Process
The deceased appear in dreams as part of this reprocessing. The dream is not a random event, nor is it a "message from the afterlife." It is a functional activity: the brain is working — processing, integrating, healing. Studies on grieving individuals show that dreams of the deceased are more frequent in the first months after loss — precisely the period when the need for emotional processing is greatest. As the grief process progresses, the frequency of these dreams typically decreases — but they may return on anniversaries, death anniversaries, or other significant events when memories are strongly activated.
Part 7: Why Are Dreams of the Deceased Often So Vivid?
7.1. Three Systems Are Strongly Activated
Three brain systems are strongly activated during dreams of the deceased, and the simultaneous activation of all three creates a vivid, authentic, and emotionally rich experience.
The autobiographical memory system, including the hippocampus, medial prefrontal cortex, and posterior cingulate cortex, is responsible for storing and retrieving memories of life events — especially those with emotional significance. When you dream of the deceased, this system activates specific memories: the last time you saw them, a vacation you shared, an important conversation.
The face and voice recognition system, including the fusiform face area (FFA — face recognition), superior temporal sulcus (STS — processing facial and body movements), and auditory cortex (voice processing), recreates the visual and auditory features of the person. They are not just an abstract "idea"; they have a face, a voice, expressions, movements. They are "vivid" in the dream because the brain regions processing these sensory features are highly active.
The emotion system, including the amygdala, insula, and other limbic regions, attaches emotion to the experience. A dream of the deceased is not a neutral "movie"; it is an emotionally rich experience — which may be joyful upon reunion, sad upon parting, or peaceful when comforted.
When all three systems are active together — and when the prefrontal cortex (reality testing) is at low activity — the brain generates an experience that feels nearly indistinguishable from reality. This is why many people wake from such dreams and feel that "they were really there."
Part 8: Continuing Bonds Theory — Maintaining Connection with the Deceased
8.1. The Shift in Conceptions of Grief
For decades, the orthodox view in psychology of grief was that to recover, the grieving person needed to "completely let go" of the deceased. They needed to accept that the relationship was over, sever emotional ties, and move on with life without that person. This view, known as the "grief work hypothesis," dominated the field for decades.
However, empirical studies in recent decades have shown that this view is inaccurate. Most people who experience major loss — and recover healthily — still maintain an emotional connection with the deceased. They do not "let go." They restructure the relationship: from a relationship based on physical presence, to a relationship based on memory, values, internal dialogue, and a sense of spiritual presence.
8.2. Continuing Bonds Theory
Continuing Bonds Theory, developed by psychologists such as Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, argues that maintaining a psychological connection with the deceased is not only normal, but can be an important part of healthy grieving. These bonds can be expressed in many forms: memories of the person, the values and lessons they imparted, internal dialogue with them ("What would Mom say about this?"), and a sense of spiritual presence — especially in dreams.
Dreams, from this perspective, are not a malfunction or a pathological symptom. They are one of the natural and healthy expressions of continuing bonds. They allow the grieving person to maintain connection with the deceased, while still accepting the reality that they are no longer present in the physical world.
Part 9: The Deceased Become Part of Identity
9.1. Integration into the Self
A father, a mother, a spouse, a best friend — they do not only exist outside us. They participate in shaping us: how we think (the lessons they taught, the conversations we had); how we feel (the emotional values they conveyed, the experiences we shared); how we make decisions ("Would Mom approve of this decision?"); and our moral and behavioral norms (what they valued, what they opposed).
Over time, these influences become part of our identity. We no longer have to "think about" them every time we act; they have become part of "us." This is especially true for parents and primary caregivers, who accompanied us during the identity-forming years.
9.2. Dreams as Reenactment of a Part of the Self
Therefore, when dreaming of the deceased, the brain is not merely reenacting a separate person, distinct from ourselves. It is reenacting a part of the self — a part that was shaped by that person, and continues to exist as an internal structure. The experience of "seeing them again" in a dream, in this sense, is also an experience of "seeing again" a part of oneself — a part that has been wounded, is changing, and is seeking new integration.
This is why these dreams can be both painful and healing. They remind us of what has been lost — but they also remind us of what remains: the love, the influence, and the continuing presence of that person in our lives.
Part 10: "Reunion" Dreams — Common Types and Their Functions
10.1. Research on Bereavement Dreams
Studies on bereavement dreams have identified several common types, each with a different psychological function.
Type 1: Reunion dreams. The deceased appears healthy, often younger, and without signs of illness or death. The dreamer usually feels joy, relief, and peace. Function: reduces painful images of the final days, reinforces memories of the person when they were healthy, and provides comfort.
Type 2: Conversation dreams. The two talk as they used to, about everyday topics or important issues. The conversation may offer advice, comfort, or simply a sense of connection. Function: maintains continuing bonds, processes unresolved issues, and receives symbolic support.
Type 3: Farewell dreams. The deceased appears to say goodbye, usually gently, peacefully, and providing a sense of "closure." The dreamer may feel permission to let go. Function: completes unfinished business, reduces feelings of regret, and allows the grieving person to move forward.
Type 4: Guidance dreams. The deceased gives advice about an important decision, or shows the way in a difficult situation. The advice is usually consistent with what the person would have said when alive. Function: utilizes the internal model of the person to solve problems, and feels supported by their continuing presence.
Type 5: Comforting dreams. The deceased comforts the dreamer, usually by hugging, holding hands, or saying reassuring words. The dreamer wakes up feeling relieved and protected. Function: emotion regulation, reduces grief, and enhances feelings of safety.
10.2. All Have Adaptive Functions
Researchers emphasize that all these dream types — even those that may cause temporary pain — have adaptive functions. They help the brain process loss, restructure predictive models, maintain continuing bonds, and regulate emotion. People with positive dream experiences of the deceased tend to have better grief outcomes: fewer prolonged depressive symptoms, higher ability to accept reality, stronger feelings of connection with the deceased, and faster overall recovery.
Part 11: Why Do They Often Appear Younger, Healthier?
11.1. The Brain Stores the Most Emotionally Meaningful Versions
Many people report that in dreams, the deceased appear younger — sometimes very young, at the age when they were happiest or healthiest. They show no signs of illness, no physical pain, no decline of old age. This is often interpreted supernaturally: "That is their soul, no longer bound by the physical body."
However, there is another scientific explanation. The brain does not store memory like a video camera, faithfully recording every detail. The brain stores memory according to emotional meaning and frequency of use. The version of the person that appears in the dream is usually the version with the strongest emotional value in your memory network: the healthiest (because memories of illness and pain are often pushed to the periphery, unless they have special significance); the happiest (because memories of joy and happiness are often prioritized in emotional networks); the most familiar (because the version you interacted with most will have the strongest neural connections).
Therefore, the deceased appearing in a dream is not their "soul." It is the optimal version — the version your brain has preserved as a symbol of the love, connection, and meaning of that person in your life.
Part 12: Dream Conversations — When You "Talk" to the Deceased
12.1. The Amazing Accuracy of Dream Conversations
Many people report that in dreams, they have talked with the deceased — and the conversation unfolds naturally, authentically. The person speaks in their own voice, uses familiar words, and has characteristic responses and emotions. The dreamer often feels that "it wasn't me imagining; it was really them."
From a neuroscience perspective, this authenticity can be explained by the internal social model discussed in Part 2. Over years, your brain built a model of that person — a model detailed enough to accurately predict how they would respond in most situations. The dream conversation is not communication with an external entity; it is a simulation — your brain is "running" the internal model, and you are experiencing the output of that simulation as a real conversation.
This does not diminish the value of the experience. Such accurate simulation is a feat of the brain — and it shows how deeply love and attachment have etched that person into your neural structure.
Part 13: Unfinished Business — Why the Brain Returns to Unresolved Themes
13.1. Incomplete Emotional Processing
Another important factor causing the deceased to appear in dreams is incomplete emotional processing. When a relationship ends abruptly — or when there are many things left unsaid, many emotions unexpressed — the brain tends to return to these unresolved themes, as if trying to "complete" them.
Typical situations include: love not expressed in time (you never told your mother you loved her, and now it is too late); apologies not made (you hurt that person, and never had the chance to apologize before they died); forgiveness not granted (that person hurt you, and you never had the chance to forgive); sudden loss (no opportunity to say goodbye, no preparation); or undisclosed secrets (things you never said, and now cannot say).
In these cases, the dream becomes a space for the brain to continue the unfinished dialogue. It is not a supernatural message; it is the brain's attempt to complete emotional processing, to reduce the "tension" of unresolved issues.
Part 14: Pain and the Activity of the Predictive System — When the Brain Cannot Update
14.1. The Discrepancy Between Prediction and Reality
According to predictive processing theory, grief can be understood as a prolonged discrepancy between prediction and reality. For years, your brain predicted that the person would be there. It predicted that you would see them on the weekend, that you would call them in the evening, that you would tell them about the day's events. These predictions were reinforced through thousands of repetitions.
When that person dies, the brain faces an extremely difficult task: updating all these predictions. Each time an old prediction is activated ("Mom will be here") and contradicted by reality ("Mom is no longer here"), the brain generates a prediction error. This prediction error is experienced as grief.
14.2. Dreams as an Attempt to Reduce Prediction Error
Dreams of the deceased can be understood as the brain's attempt to reduce prediction error — but in a different way. In dreams, instead of updating the prediction ("Mom is no longer here"), the brain temporarily "suspends" reality-testing mechanisms, and allows the old predictions to be fulfilled. In the dream, Mom is still here. Prediction matches the reality (of the dream). Prediction error disappears — temporarily. And the dreamer experiences comfort, peace, or simply the absence of grief.
This is not conscious denial; it is a neural mechanism. And it may have an adaptive function: it allows the brain to "rest" from the work of updating predictions, and may indirectly support the long-term restructuring process.
Part 15: Dreams as an Adaptive Laboratory — Learning to Live with Loss
15.1. Social Simulation in REM
During REM sleep, the brain simulates many different social scenarios — including those involving the deceased. Meeting the deceased in dreams helps the brain perform several important functions: updating memories (connecting old memories with new experiences, and consolidating important memories); restructuring identity (integrating loss into the life story, and redefining oneself without that person); regulating emotion (reducing the intensity of grief over time, and enhancing positive emotions associated with memories); and reducing prediction error (learning to predict a world without that person, and generating new predictions).
This is a form of emotional learning — and it occurs primarily during sleep, especially REM.
Part 16: Why Do Dreams Sometimes Feel "More Real Than Real"?
16.1. Strong Emotional Activation and Inhibition of Logical Checking
Many people describe dreams of the deceased not only as "vivid," but as "more real than real" — more authentic than any waking experience. This can be explained by a combination of factors.
During REM, the emotional system (amygdala, limbic system) is more active than during wakefulness. Emotions in dreams can be more intense, and experienced "purely," undiluted by the censoring processes of the prefrontal cortex. At the same time, logical and reality-checking mechanisms (prefrontal cortex) are inhibited. There is no inner voice saying "this cannot happen," "that person has already died." The absence of this logical censorship allows the experience to unfold fully, uninterrupted.
Visual imagery during REM is also extremely vivid — often more vivid than waking imagination. Faces, movements, colors, light — all can be recreated with high detail. And the combination of memory, emotion, and imagery creates an integrated, symbolically rich experience that often has deep meaning for the dreamer.
Upon waking, the emotional memory of the dream remains intact, while logical details may fade. This creates the feeling that "it wasn't just a dream" — because the emotion, the most important part of the experience, is still there.
Part 17: Metacognition and Dreams of the Deceased — Observing the Experience Without Being Swept Away
17.1. Distinguishing Between Experience and Interpretation
Metacognition is the ability to observe, monitor, and evaluate one's own cognitive processes. In the context of dreams of the deceased, metacognition allows you to distinguish between "I had a vivid experience of seeing my loved one in a dream" (a subjective experience) and "that person's soul actually visited me" (a conclusion about objective reality).
A person with high metacognition usually recognizes that: the dream is not necessarily evidence of a supernatural event; nor is it merely a meaningless random image; it reflects the dreamer's memory structure, emotional needs, adaptive progress, and internal relationship map.
17.2. Benefits of Metacognition
When you can observe the experience without being swept away by hasty interpretations, you can: reduce anxiety about the dream's meaning (no need to fear that "a soul is sending a message," or worry that you are being "haunted" by the deceased); appreciate the experience as part of the natural healing process (rather than searching for hidden messages); and use the dream as a tool to understand yourself more deeply (rather than only seeking external explanations).
Metacognition does not diminish the sacredness of the experience. On the contrary, it allows you to experience it more fully — because you are no longer preoccupied with the question "is it real?" and can focus on the question "what does this experience mean to me?"
Part 18: Meta-Intelligence and Deeper Meaning — Asking the Right Questions
18.1. Shifting from "Is It Real?" to "What Does This Reveal?"
Meta-intelligence is the ability to evaluate the quality of cognitive models. In the context of dreams of the deceased, meta-intelligence asks different, deeper questions.
Instead of asking "Was that dream real?" — a question that often leads to endless debates about the supernatural — meta-intelligence asks: "What does this dream reveal about my mental system?" It may reveal unprocessed pain (is there something I still cannot say, or cannot accept?); longing (how much do I miss this person, and how do I express that longing?); gratitude (what this person gave me is still there, and how can I appreciate it?); forgiveness (is there something I need to forgive them for, or forgive myself for?); and the need to complete a chapter in life (is there something I need to do to move forward?).
These questions do not require supernatural assumptions. They can be answered through self-observation, honesty with oneself, and the courage to face one's emotions.
Part 19: When Dreams Become Healing — Evidence from Research
19.1. Positive Impact of Dreams on the Grief Process
Studies on grief recovery have shown that people with positive dream experiences of the deceased — dreams in which they felt comforted, connected, or guided — tend to have better grief outcomes than those without such experiences.
Specifically, they tend to have: fewer prolonged depressive symptoms; higher ability to accept reality (they do not deny the death, but neither are they haunted by it); stronger feelings of connection with the deceased (in a healthy way, not hindering current life); and faster overall recovery.
19.2. Dreams Do Not Erase Loss — But Help Restructure the Relationship with It
It is important to emphasize: dreams do not make the loss disappear. The person is still gone. The pain remains. But dreams can help the grieving person restructure their relationship with the loss — from a relationship based on painful absence, to a relationship based on memory, love, and continuing presence in the internal world.
This is one of the most precious functions of dreams: they allow us to continue loving the deceased, without getting stuck in denial. They allow us to feel that they are still present in some way — in our hearts, in our memories, in the influences they left behind — while still accepting that they are no longer in the physical world.
Part 20: Conclusion — Do the Deceased Truly Leave?
From a biological perspective, their body is gone. They cannot hold your hand, cannot talk to you, cannot see you. Physical presence has ended.
From a neuroscience perspective, their models still exist. In your brain, they are still present as neural networks, memories, predictions, emotional responses, and internal dialogues. They are no longer outside — but they are still inside.
From a psychological perspective, their influence continues to live in memory (the stories you tell, the moments you remember); in behavior (the habits you learned from them, the ways of behaving you absorbed); in values (what they valued, the lessons they taught); in decisions (the choices you make, in part, based on what they would think); and in love (the love you have for them does not end when they die; it only changes form).
In that sense, people do not only live in bodies. People also live in the nervous systems of those who once loved them. And dreams — especially those vivid, emotional, symbolic dreams — are where the internal world and the lost world meet. It is where love continues to exist, where unfinished conversations are continued, where presence is reaffirmed, and where grief is gradually transformed.
Not a message from the afterlife. Nor merely a meaningless hallucination. It is evidence that those we love never truly leave — because part of them has become part of who we are.
References
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- Klass, D., Silverman, P. R., & Nickman, S. L. (1996). Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Taylor & Francis. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/edit/10.4324/9781315799647/continuing-bonds-dennis-klass-phyllis-silverman-steven-nickman
- Friston, K. (2018). Does predictive coding have a future? Nature Neuroscience, 21, 1019-1021. https://www.nature.com/articles/s41593-018-0200-7
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